The last week that the Portland man and I spent “discussing our future” (I use quotes because I laugh now, realizing that we had NONE) I heard more from him about fears and lack of self esteem than I could stomach. I found myself scowling at the phone, wanting to hang up on him from the sheer annoyance of how whiny he was and wanting to reach through the phone to grab him, shake him and scream that he can’t spend his life being afraid.
He asked, what if I don’t like the job I get? To which I responded, then we’ll find you another one! I know it’s not that fracking easy, but come on…if your job sucks, you hit the pavement (or the internet job boards) and find another.
He asked, what if I get out there and end up laid off? To which I responded, what if you get laid off right there in Portland? Dude, it can and will happen anywhere. I’ve been laid off. I rebounded, and he can do it too. Seeing as he wanted to move here to start a life with me, if he were laid off I wouldn’t just leave him high and dry to fend for himself. We’d be a unit, a partnership.
He asked, what if your kids don’t like me? To which I responded, they met you and they did. A lot. Seeing as he is a good man who was good with kids, I wasn’t worried that it would be horrible. Raising kids gets tricky during the teenage years, I know that. As far as someone to be with me while I do that, I thought he had a pretty good head on his shoulders and a nice family I would have been happy to blend with my own.
He asked, what if your ex-husband doesn’t approve of this? To which I responded, who the fuck cares?
He asked, what if I am not good at staying in touch with my family in Portland? To which I responded, we will make sure you stay in touch. Besides, we stayed in daily touch from Detroit to Portland thanks to technology. They are all on FB, use smart phones and have email.
He asked, what if I want to see my family? To which I responded, flying you out there a few times a year to visit is a hell of a lot cheaper than us flying back and forth each month. You will see your family. Regularly.
He asked, what if we break up and I’m out there? To which I responded, what if we don’t? There are no guarantees in life, but you’ll never know if you don’t try. And seeing as he was the one who had sold me on this idea of him moving back to Detroit, I was sure we both wanted to try.
It would have been a big step for anyone. I understand that. However for a man who does not have children of his own, and really is not tied to a career, this would not have been that complicated of a thing to do. Moving home if we did ever split up would not have been hard. Well, a cross country move is hard. Always. By comparison, though, it could be much more complicated than he’ll ever see. That was my point.
He said it was fear that kept him from being able to say he’d move. He said that he had no plan to move in the future and he figured that out a while back but did not have the nerve to tell me. Looking back I see many things he did not do in life because of fear. Things he has said he regretted. The opportunity to live in Spain and study guitar, for one. What a great chance he had. I do not entirely understand why he did not take it. He wishes he had. He should have. Hell, he still could. He’s not a parent, he’s single, he has the cash and really not tied to a career. He could do it now. He won’t. I’m sure of it.
Considering the man I thought I knew and things I learned as I realized our relationship was coming to an end, I see how much fear played in his life. Constantly. He says he’s been plagued by low self esteem and I don’t entirely understand why. He’s an intelligent, well read, funny, clever, talented and kind man. One of the kindest men I know. I told him all these things and he said no one except his family ever saw that in him. I wonder if he was scared to show others.
One of the last things he sent me via email was how sad he was that we were not going to stay in touch. We might again when the sadness has subsided. But for now we won’t, and that made him sad. He said he lost his best friend. I did too. He said he lost the one person who had confidence in him. I find that to be so very sad, because what he would have eventually figured out is that no matter how much confidence I had in him, nothing mattered unless he had it in himself. Clearly. He would have needed it to move here. He would have needed it to commit to a future with me. He will need it to enjoy life. I worry for him that he will spend the rest of his life watching from the sidelines. Because, honestly, I think that’s all he’s done up till this point. And it’s sad because he has so much to offer the rest of the world, and so much to gain from joining in.
